WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.


The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.


Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…


HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.


“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.


The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.


My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week