@UncleDuke1969 I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
@clichedout WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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@UncleDuke1969 
@IGotsSmarts The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
@rickygervais Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
@Jake_Vig HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
@kidversations_ The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
@onthemauve [dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
@wildethingy “I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
@VodkaShorebird The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
@mayamanion My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week