Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Shorty got
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🔘 all of the above
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
When the stylist spins you back around
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami