Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.