@CharmandBrains

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

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@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@GoldenSpirals

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

@_SingleBabyMama

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@dubstep4dads

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

@UrPalWilly

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car