Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Beauty and the Beast
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’m going to need a moment here.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same