WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
(Jupiter –
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.