waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I want to meet the individual who made this
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.