waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Florida be like…
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work