waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Close call…
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.