waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My brain is a bad influence on me
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.