waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.