Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”