Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
ready to be harvested
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”