Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
As the Lord intended
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time