Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’