waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.