Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
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I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Tastes like chicken.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
What a website
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.