Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
This is the one
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me