WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Monday?
No. Next question.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.