WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.