WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Jesus Christ lmao
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
mentally somewhere in italy
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
PLEASE READ
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?