waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.