Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.