Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Very good! 👍😂
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.