Waiting for the Charmin
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My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.