waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.