Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambĂ©d your soup
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.