Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
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stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Sunday
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?