@mxmclain

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

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@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@CarpentersCrack

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

@djdarrellripley

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@TheHatStore

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

@imdaintyaf

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.