@BadMikeyBad The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
@mxmclain Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
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@BadMikeyBad 
@CarpentersCrack Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
@djdarrellripley Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
@TheBoydP All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
@TheToddWilliams [Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
@thedad Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@TheHatStore WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
@mattZillaaaa *eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
@imdaintyaf Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
@SerialFuckup God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.