Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

You Might Also Like


The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”


Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.


Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!


All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.


[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.


Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.


WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?


*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs


Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.