Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Name this drama.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Was it something I said?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.