Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes