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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
put ‘er there pardner!
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.