Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Social Media and Real life
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something