waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.


I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.


My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic


My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing