@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

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@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@sweetmomissa

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

@ilovepie84

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

@Smooheed

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

@OhhhLuiss

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@OctopusCaveman

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

@adam_cook2014

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing