@Godhatespants Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
@GoodZiIIa waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
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@Godhatespants 
@KevinFarzad To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
@HomeProbably If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
@sweetmomissa My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
@ilovepie84 I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
@Smooheed My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
@OhhhLuiss Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
@OctopusCaveman The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
@plotwistmeme 
@adam_cook2014 My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing