Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.