@garrettn
@schlimp *steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
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@schlimp 
@ADHDeanASL When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
@_elvishpresley_ [commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
@LurkAtHomeMom How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
@EinherjarDO Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
@UncleDuke1969 obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
@panmidwest ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
@StinkyGr33n Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
@PaperWash [walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
@ArfMeasures [Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me