Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
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I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Finally!
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real