Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
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Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
what it’s like dating me:
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.