Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I am patiently waiting for your email
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot