Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.


How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.


[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet


My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”


It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.


“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”



Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.