Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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Guantanamo Bae
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals