WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I put the h in mysterious.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175