WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
dictator is short for richard potato
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.