Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”