Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.