waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”