WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.