*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.