Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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there has never been a better use of this meme
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
can’t catch a break
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.