*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
concern
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise