*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
some Old Testament wisdom
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.