*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
The French cow says MEUX…
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE