[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]