wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Never forget.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
