Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.