Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.


The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.


My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:


Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10


I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.


It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.


Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”


Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!


“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate