*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.