*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
The USS B port
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
going to the ER y’all need anything
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.