*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.